I have just been introduced to the "Elf on the Shelf" blackmail... er... I mean holiday tradition.
If you are of a certain age (such as myself!!), you may remember the funky little elves that were used as Christmas decorations. They were, and still are, ugly little sons-of-guns. They were always hunched up with their hands tied together and their knees shoved up to their chins.
I loved these little guys.
I would shove them into the tree or they would ride a carriage or straddle pine cones on a mantel. Then they kind of disappeared from the public eye to be replaced by LED lights, glittered snowflakes, and Oriental Trading foam monstrosities.
Our little elf family was zippered up in a plastic baggie and relegated to the attic until.....
DA DA DAAAAAAAA!!!
The Elf on the Shelf??? What is this "tradition" they are talking about? I had been seeing pictures online of my fugly elf in all sorts of precarious situations. I just thought that it was people like me, rediscovering their old neglected ugly elves and having a bit of fun. But no, I was wrong. It's just a new money making scheme to get kids to do things and behave in a way at Christmas time that they should already be doing all year round!!!
The simple premise is: Santa has dropped one of his elves at a child's house to watch the child. The children have to give him a name. The elf is magic and only moves at night. As soon as he is spotted by the family, he freezes. The elf reports back to Santa whether the children have been good or bad. If the elf is touched, he loses his Christmas magic and is sent back to Santa.
WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS!!!!!!! SO MANY CHILDREN!!! SO MANY DESPERATE PARENTS!!!
ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!
In my day, we didn't need an "Elf on the Shelf" to make sure we said "excuse me" when we burped.
In my day, we didn't need an "Elf on the Shelf" to make sure we ate all of our food.
In my day, we didn't need an "Elf on the Shelf" to make sure we did our chores.
In my day, we didn't need an "Elf on the Shelf" to make sure we said "Please" and "Thank You."
In my day, we had... oh... what's that word....
PARENTS!?
It's enough
to drive any
self respecting
Elf
to drink!
Or elf mover... mmmmm!
I mean, really? It's just little people blackmail!
Why not just drug the kids so they're good ALL the
time... and calm... Ooh! They always say children
should be seen and not heard! They'd be really quiet
if they were drugged!
Say, that's not such a bad idea!!
But, I can hear you say,
children are soooo much fun
when they're
active and
playing and
carefree...
We have an answer to that too!!
Say, this Elf on the Shelf thing has a lot of possibilities!
Dirty little buggers!
Who watches the elves, I wonder?
It's an Elven message.
It means Skippy McTavish
sleeps with the tinsel.
Ah,
tinsel on the highway...
Elves can be mommy's little
helpers too! Carpooling just
got a whole lot easier!
A little Elven magic and parents don't
even have to leave the house!!
Ooops!
Oh Herbie! You little dickens!
And homework!! No more
pesky spelling lists for parents!
Aren't the quads just precious?
Thank you Elf on the Shelf! I've finally got my life back!!
Elf on the Shelf! Way better than parents!!!
I know some of you are thinking "See, see, you hypocrite, you're using the Elf thing." Yes, I did use the Elf thing, but I didn't use it to bribe, I used it to keep a child innocent and childlike. 
